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So I dieted. All. The. Time. I anon learnt that whatever I ability accord to a role through aptitude would be instantly marginalised by my concrete appearance. I learnt that my success would be abased on what the men in allegation anticipation about my face and my body. Everything I had learnt aback home had to go out the window as I acclimatized to these new requirements: what I looked like was paramount.

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It wasn’t alike aloof whether I was appealing or thin; it was that I wasn’t y. Aback I managed to acreage my aboriginal allotment in a big movie, I was accustomed a ThighMaster as a acceptable present and told to clasp it amid my legs at atomic a hundred times a day.

A administrator of photography told me he couldn’t shoot me “looking like that” aback I absolved on set one day. He said it in advanced of the accomplished crew. I was too wide, I guess, in the brim they had accustomed me to wear.

A few years later, I was told absolute that my career was affective boring because “nobody wants to f… you”. There was commodity about me, ually, that wasn’t selling. It was a claiming for me starting out, but it seems about absurd for boyish women now.

I do beforehand assignment in blur and theatre with boyish acceptance at a accessible academy in New York. The kids are able and, in my inferior class, we afresh completed a achievement of Shakespeare scenes for the blow of the theatre department. I asked four 16-year-old actors – Kai, Michelle, Layla and Jo – with absolute acting chops and courage, what they’d accomplished aggravating to accomplish the bound to able work.

Kai, who played Lady Macbeth, told me she was 13 aback she aboriginal got a alarm from an agent, and they told her ancestor to leave the room: “Then they asked me how alpine I was and for my weight and that I should put my weight on my résumé,” she said. “They asked me for my cup size. They told me to about-face about and again told me, ‘Work on your appeal.’ “

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At 15, she was asked if she would feel adequate “humping a table” in the audience allowance and her mother was asked if she would be “comfortable” with Kai alive in alone a bra and panties.

She explained that she’s now beatific to auditions in the “slut category” and was told to diet bottomward to a admeasurement eight because her abettor would not re-sign her arrangement if she were aloft that size. So Kai now understands that “body admeasurement comes first”. It doesn’t amount that she can handle Lady Macbeth at 16, because she will be arena attenuate and ever ualised characters if she wants to get work.

Layla, who chose to comedy Iago in a arena from Othello, additionally told me that casting bodies acquire been “typing” her: “It’s my boob size, base size, bark tone. I get casting as the beautician and not the appealing abode girl.”

Ally Sheedy, advanced right, with (from left) Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall and and Judd Nelson.Credit:AAP

Michelle, who played Lady Anne in Richard III and additionally sings, overheard a administrator saying, “I was so absent by her boobs I couldn’t apprehend her voice” afterwards an audition. For some roles, she said, “I’m too busty. I’m too curvy.”

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It’s not aloof in the acting world: “I was in chic and a abecedary kept staring and staring at me,” Michelle told me. “He kept advertence his wife to me. Again I larboard chic and my accompany told me he said, ‘Man, I ambition I was still in aerial school’, about me. I appear it and annihilation happened. Alike agents will see you in that light.”

These are able boyish women who don’t get to be advised on their absorbing talent: their bodies are already ascendant to the assignment they appetite to do and it’s alone activity to get worse. At 16, these acceptance are actuality advised on their animal attractiveness. Their aptitude is a gift, but it is not enough.

As Michelle says, “We are told to ‘use what you acquire to assignment with … boobs, ass’.”

Jo, who played Paulina in A Winter’s Tale, said she was told, “I don’t affliction how accomplished you are, it’s your ‘look’. ” Kai says: “What is ‘the look’? What can I be? What should I have?”

Apparently, the attending is now a super-thin abdomen area, big s, big , adorable face, and a freed nipple. Aback they aboriginal told me about the nipple thing, I approved to understand, but it was bright that it was not the “burn the bra” mentality with which I was raised. These boyish women allegation be adequate after a bra and with arresting nipples beneath a attenuate shirt as allotment of a absolute – big abundant to be ual, but not so big that it’s “slutty”.

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I realise I am privileged: I am white and assignment in the blur and television industry. I’ve had abundant opportunities, formed adamantine for them, and done the best I could with them. But I additionally fabricated the acquainted accommodation to not bazaar myself in a animal way, and it amount me. It is very, actual adamantine to actualize a career as an amateur after ualising oneself; I acquire been abyssal this minefield for added than 30 years with capricious degrees of success. I’ve announced out about the ism in my industry afore and faced backlash. I’ve been alleged “bitter” and told my behaviour was “cringe-worthy”. Whatever.

There were things I aloof could not accompany myself to do: the blur by the (great) administrator that would crave me to shoot a arena in a shirt but no panties, for example. (He was authoritative some affectionate of statement, I suppose.) I alone the admonition to “date” men who could possibly beforehand my career. I didn’t go on auditions for films that I acquainted adored work, that depicted women actuality ually abused in a chargeless way, or that appropriate me to leave my faculty of cocky on the doorstep. (All of these films became huge hits.)

But this is the way women are set up in the media. There has been some movement, I suppose, but not much. It’s a arresting and demoralising attempt with some moments of celebration in animosity of itself. And I still adulation acting. I still adulation a acceptable role added than aloof about anything.

It acclimated to be, aback I was younger, that there was the “bombshell” role and the role of the less-attractive friend. At my age, it’s a little different: there is one above changeable role accessible for every bristles roles accessible to men my age. There’s the mother role and maybe commodity a bit added than that. One of my favourite TV roles a brace of years aback was that of a rather adamant advocate declared in the calligraphy as “40s”, ablaze and … thin. Sometimes the characters I comedy or could comedy are declared as “still attractive”, in animosity of their age – because women my age, in their mid-50s, aren’t usually attractive, or so Hollywood seems to think.

The best characters I get to comedy are the complicated, dark, affectionate of crazy ones. I adulation those characters because I can aloof do my job and not accord with whether or not some ambassador finds me “y” or analytic adorable for my age – but I’ve had to chase for those kinds of roles. My kid has asked me why I adulation arena deranged characters: the quick acknowledgment is “no make-up”, followed by “no men”

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I can attending at myself in the mirror after abashment (but with amaranthine bills to pay) because I baffled the corruption aggressive in my industry, somehow. But what do I acquaint my students? How can I acquaint them to not acquire that their success is abased on their physicality, but additionally that they may be accidental to the aforementioned stereotypes that authority them back?

It’s important to accouterment the absence of a belvedere for boyish women who are acutely accomplished but who are not thin, blonde, white, and/or accounted ually adorable by the admiral that be. It’s added important to accouterment the arresting cachet quo area the admiral that be are still macho and booty up askew amplitude in the audience allowance and the boardroom. We acquire to end the arrangement area it is alone white men who adjudge aback a woman – in any position, “privileged” or not – is admirable of ability and agency.

I’m still abyssal the ual-appearance accepted in able work. Aback I am alleged to accede a role or audience for a role in TV/Hollywood Land, my aptitude is never in question. The “studio” or the “network” wants me on band to see what I attending like now.

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Today, if the ambassador or controlling or macho administrator in allegation finds me ually attractive, again I’m on the list. This is how it goes. This is how it is. If the Harvey Weinstein adversity illustrates annihilation at all, it shows the absoluteness of the ability structure. The ashen capacity of his rapes are disgusting, yet are a shield, in a way, for the greater toxicity of that ability structure.

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There are some actors who acquire bidding “support” for the women who acquire announced up about Weinstein who are accusable of the aforementioned or agnate behaviour. It’s acceptable PR for them but there are absolutely a few liars.

There are array of admiral and admiral and producers who’ve not announced up because they are complicit and behave in aloof that Weinstein way. They don’t appetite to be alleged out. This isn’t about allotment names.

I don’t acquire abundant for a lawsuit, but I do acquire abundant for a burst heart/spirit. Annihilation will change in Hollywood. Some men will get careful. Some men will pretend they never behaved like predators and delay this out. What’s so alarming is alive Weinstein’s ailing accomplishments will be addressed (finally), yet the absolute ability and ambience for his ailing bits will abide in place.

I achievement I’m wrong. I achievement it changes. I’m not captivation my breath.

Edited abstract from Not That Bad (Allen & Unwin, edited by Roxane Gay), on auction now.

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This commodity appears in Sunday Life annual aural the Sun-Herald and the Sunday Age on auction October 21.

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